Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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