Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
if only i could text you this smell
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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