if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
