Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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