someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
