The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
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Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
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In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.