I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? ðŸ˜‚ðŸ˜‚