I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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