nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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