Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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