Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
