Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
