Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
