yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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