wakey wakey hands off snakey
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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