could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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