FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
