i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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