if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
