I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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