Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
are you so shy because you have an std?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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