I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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