Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
