Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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