I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
