What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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