Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
