It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
