i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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