You're a womanizer and a bitch.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
