Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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