I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
