I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
