I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
