i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
