I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
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How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
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The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize