There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
