Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
