So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
