I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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