Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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