Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Randomize
