just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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