At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
