last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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