I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
