I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
pray to the hookup gods
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
