no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
