She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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