We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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