I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
