You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I woke up under a house in Key West
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