put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
