On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
