my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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