How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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