My cat gives me a boner
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
