I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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