God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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