I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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