there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
