dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
