Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
