Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
