I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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